Shortcut To Disaster

I go through eggs. I go through a lot of eggs.

I re-started eating eggs as part of my new, healthy diet. I know it sounds strange to load up on eggs to eat healthy, but with my private and proprietary shortcuts, going through a lot of eggs is not much different calorie wise than staying away from eggs completely.

My healthy diet’s main rule is not eating anything white. No wheat, no rice, no sugar. That means no bread, even whole wheat, no candy and, because of the sugar they contain, few dressings and condiments. Paper and cauliflower are fine. I eat only complex, low-glycemic carbs (veggies), proteins and fats. I lied. I eat only complex carbs, protein and fat most of the time. On Saturdays I eat whatever I want. My Saturday gluttony feasts are a fat-boy's dream.

A key part of the diet is eating a high protein breakfast, thus the eggs.

If I was going to eat eggs for breakfast, I had to find a way to fix and eat them in 5 minutes or less. Any more time and I lost too much sleep. I guard my sleep. I adore it.

My quick egg technique: Two eggs in a coffee mug, usually without shell. Whip until blended. Forty seconds on high in the microzapper. Mix the cooked egg and the uncooked together. Twenty seconds in the microzapper. Wah-la, hot, scrambled eggs.

The trouble was clean up. Eggs stick to Teflon. They would stick to Bill Clinton. If I didn’t want to fight dried-on egg, I had to clean the mug right then. That sixty seconds was an unacceptable use of time. This led to my first shortcut to disaster.

I purchased paper bowls so I could cook, eat and toss. Not only would I save time, but I would save wash water, a precious resource. I was sure that if I took time to research it I could prove that wasting water was a greater ecological issue than constructively using paper, so I assumed I proved it. Success felt great. Right up until the time I tried it.

You see, mugs have handles and paper bowls do not. As I carried my blended, raw eggs to the zapper, I lost the metaphorical handle to the bowl. Splat. It takes more paper towels to clean up egg splat than paper bowls to cook egg unsplat. Lesson learned. I am now much more careful with paper bowls than with anything in my cabinet that might actually break.

My next shortcut was a beauty of time management. Realizing that I spent an extra 11 seconds transporting the egg carton back to the fridge after cooking them, I simply cut out that step. I decided to grab two eggs and leave the carton in the fridge.

For those of you who hadn’t noticed, eggs roll. One of my unrestrained eggs rolled off the counter. Splat. Since I didn’t want egg on my bare feet, I jumped back, which meant I was too far away from my eggs to catch the second egg as it rolled off. Splat, the sequel.

If I add many more shortcuts to my egg production I will soon be eating less eggs than I was before I re-started eating eggs. Cleaning, yes. Eating, no.